Everything is Ozpin's Fault
by ImSoAwesome
Summary: Everything bad that happened in RWBY was Ozpin's fault. Let me tell you why.


**Everything is Ozpin's Fault**

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 _ **Troumvirate/Constable Paperbag-ness intensifies**_

Ozpin had to wonder how even with hundreds of lifetimes under his belt, he had still managed to find ways to piss people.

Hazel raged, the hulking not-faunus he was. Meaty muscles - _mm, yes_ \- flexing as he drove Dust dildos - excuse me, Dust _shards_ , into his arms. Lightning bounced off his body, and when he roared in rage, an immense wave of aura blasted from his body, trembling the world around him.

SSJ2 Hazel?

"You'll pay for what you did!" Hazel bellowed at little Ozpin, "You'll die! Over and over again!"

And therein was the question... what had Ozpin done wrong?

"Ozpin, help!" Little Oscar wailed, his body flopping in the air as he was tossed about like a ragdoll.

Yet Ozpin continued to find himself puzzled. Hazel was so angry, but why? Was it because of his sister?

"You killed her, Ozpin!"

Yeah it was because of his sister.

And suddenly Ozpin knew his pain. His sister, who was grown and totally capable of making her own decisions, went on a mission and died. Tragic. Truly it was.

I mean seriously, she'd gone through all that training just to die to some Grimm?

Surely everyone who watches this show should know by now that stormtroopers are better antagonists than the Grimm. It was almost funny how the Grimm were hyped up to be humanity's greatest threat but Beacon Academy - the most prestigious Huntsman academy in the world - was toppled by the in-universe Marilyn Monroe and two homeless kids.

The Plot Armor was too real.

So much so that even the Dumbledore of this universe got killed! Like what the hell?

But back to Hazel...

Truly it had to be Ozpin fault. The man was sure of this, the bruises coating his current host's body were surely incomparable to the injuries that he, Ozpin, had without question, put there himself.

It was all his fault.

Got it? Hazel's sister's death? Yeah, that's Ozpin fault.

No, I don't think you read me properly. It. Was. _Ozpin's._ Fault! No one else's. Not Miles and Kerry's. Not the fandom's. Not Hazel's. And definitely not his sister's.

Anyway, he had to make it right.

"Hazel!" Ozpin called the brute out as he took the little boy's body. Interpret that how you will.

 **Orochimaru/Master Xehanort-ness intensifies**

"I don't blame you for being angry." He admitted, "You're right. I have done so much wrong, to so many people. I have made mistakes that no one in this world could possibly match."

"Really?" Hazel stayed his latest love punch, "There have been others you've ruined the lives of?"

"Yes." Ozpin gestured toward Qrow, who instead of getting back his scythe to help his knocked-out fandom daughter, reached for that final swig of Atlesian gin. Priorities.

"Qrow and his twin sister. Though I'd been honest with them of the process and what it is we'd be doing, it didn't change the fact that what i did to them was beyond forgiveness."

Ozpin could only look away in shame as he caught Yang looking at him, shaking her head with obvious disappointment. The heartbreak he'd inflicted on that girl was unimaginable. Her anger was justified that day, no one else in that room had any reason to be angrier than her.

"What did you to them, Ozpin!?" Hazel bellowed.

"I... I turned them into birds!"

Silence.

"What? That's it?"

"Yes, it is truly horrible isn't it?" Ozpin clenched his heart, unable to come with this truly shocking revelation.

"Horri - what? No! Did they suffer some kind of side effect?"

"Nope. I just gave them to power to transform into birds. It happens instantly, its not painful and they can change to and fro whenever they wish. Hell, it doesn't even cost any aura."

"I see... its as I always suspected, truly you are a monster Ozpin!" And in a total 180-degree plot twist, Hazel was enraged even more despite initially suspecting that being turned into birds wasn't such a bad thing. What? You thought that RWBY was logical?

You're funny, reader.

But he was no one's fool. Being turned into a bird was a _Cardin_ al sin. (Lol. I'm funny. Plz review) It would have been much nicer to turn Qrow and Raven into pickle jars.

But remember, this is all Ozpin's fault. And no matter what he thought, no matter what the reader or the rest of the fandom thought. That fact was undeniable. Ozpin wasn't done though, there were many other things that were totally his fault that he needed to fess up to.

"There is also another, Pyrrha Nikos," Ozpin nodded, "I asked her to become a Maiden. And she agreed... of her own free will!"

Hazel gasped. The sheer horror of it reverberated throughout the room. The main characters looked at Ozpin with shock and shame. The pure pain of losing their beloved friend thanks to the Headmaster was felt by everyone except for Jaune Arc.

"And then, when the process failed, I did my duty as headmaster and told her to run away! I fought my hardest to buy them time to get away. But I should've been stronger, I should've known that Miss Nikos would choose to challenge an opponent who had just beaten the Headmaster on her own instead of running away with the man she loved! She chose to do it! And that is all my fault, Hazel!"

Hazel roared like the T-rex from Jurassic Park. "You are sick Ozpin! Laying to waste the lives of young women without a care! What do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Nothing. I accept my fate. Everything that has happened is my fault, without question. I have been hinted to be shady and mysterious and to have done horrible things in my life. And these actions are the best examples of that. I cannot be saved Hazel - you must end the horror once and for all."

They were rivals. Yet they were also friends. This was the Final Valley. A metaphysical representation of the eternal struggle between Hazel and Ozpin. Hazel, who had sided with the very person who created the creatures that tore apart his sister. And Ozpin, otherwise known by his Xbox account name... The-Real-Scapegoat-87.

One was blaming the wrong person; the other was accepting the blame anyway. And nothing, I repeat, _nothing_ could stand against them and their irrefutable logic.

Ozpin charged a Rasengan in one hand.

Hazel readied the Chidori in the other.

It was time for the final clash. With chakra - I mean, aura - swirling around their arms and better character development than Ruby, the two men charged.

"OZZZPIIIIINNN!"

"HAAAZZZEEELLLL!"

A big explosion happened. It was super intense. Yeah.

Now Ozpin and Hazel lied on the ground beside one another. Dead. Finally, it was all over.

Finally Ozpin could rest.

And so could the author, god fucking damn it.

ImSoAwesome looked down on the fallen warriors from his reserved seat of number 69, just next to SpookyNoodle and PhantomScribe. Two rows down from LaughingLefou, who was a Link main. He leaned back in his chair, a semi-proud member of the Great Shipping Kingdoms of Aran. His angelic golden locks fluttered as he shook his head with disappointment.

"I almost loved you, Hazel."

Then ISA killed himself by saying aloud that Jaune would've been a better main character than Ruby.

Killed himself, as in, he was ripped to shreds by the incursion of crazy White Rose shippers for simply having an opinion.

Hashtag NoRegrets

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 **And suddenly the metafic duo of Constable and Troumvirate suddenly becomes a threesome.**

 **Hope ya'll enjoyed it, its a far cry from what I normally do but I felt like copying my friend Constable so yeah. Do know that none of this is meant to offend any ship or person, it is simply goofy, meta-critical fun.**


End file.
